Let Me Be The Wind

I can't handle being tied down. I don't like for people to depend on me, unless you're Rachel, Brooklyn, Meridith, Haley, or Morgan. Like, I don't know. I just can't. Sometimes I just stand up and walk somewhere. Away. Because I need to know that I have the freedom to do so. Free Spirit: A person with a highly individual or unique attitude, or lifestlye; nonconformist. I suppose that that's kind of what I'm getting at. I don't like for people to make decisions for me. I don't know. I just get this crazy desire to rebel sometimes. I love the idea of just flying away. Like one day, (when I have a car) I'm just going to wake up at like four in the morning, spin around, and drive in whatever direction I'm facing. I want to close my eyes and jump. I want to grab my acoustic and go sit in a tree. Most people that know me, know that I will just lay on the ground anytime or place. Why not? I like laying on the ground. I like looking up at the sky and realizing that I live in a giant, beautiful snowglobe. This post is more personal than others, sorry. I want to pick up all my amazing friends at 2:00 A.M. and go somewhere to watch the stars. I don't want to have to be somewhere. I want to walk to a place that I've never been before. URGH. I just want to...go! Does anyone else ever feel that way? I don't like...sitting. I don't like...containment. I like...freedom. I like...being able to just go outside and stare at the sky without question. I'm not good with responsibilty, or reason, or expectation. I just can't, ok? Ok. :)

Collide

It will storm for thirty more minutes. The stupid weathermen think that they have some sort of upperhand for some reason. Can't you just shut up? For one second? Yes, we are aware that it's raining and most of us would love if you could shut your freaking mouth and let us enjoy it. If you left it up to me everday would be....everyday would be like this. Kill the messenger, and if killing's to extreme, turn off the tv. Maybe I can get a petetion signed, and get him fired. Oh, that would be....amazing. Losing his precious weatherman job, HA! So I turned up Hutch so I don't have to listen to those idiots. I probably shouldn't call them that. They went to college and everything, I've just always had this weatherman-aversion. Don't they see? They have no control right now. None. They're just wasting their time, wasting the time they have with the rain. "Most Tulsans are concerned that they won't be able to enjoy their afternoon off!" Idiots. My frontyard is semi-flooded and it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. A real weatherman would go in a room, alone, sit in the dark and listen to it. Then they would come out of their weatherman-cave and attempt to describe what they heard. The picture I'm getting, trying to imagine this is kind of hilarious. A generic weatherman coming out of this room all wild-eyed and confused, trying to make since of how something could be so beautiful. That't the thing. It makes no since. It's just water. But it's more than that.

Deep Sea Second

Andrew McMahon of Something Corporate: Somedays all I do is watch the sky. Of course, in his context, this statement was less relatable. Watch the sky. Watching the sky. Watching the sky? What for? Maybe because the sky will never ever look like it does this very second. Go look at the sky. The clouds, the moon, the stars, the color. The sky is God's canvas, and it's constantly changing. Right now, 10:17 P.M. June 10, 2009 is the only 10:17 P.M. June 10, 2009 that will ever exist. Minutes only live to be sixty seconds old. (How depressing does that sound?) Don't waste your minutes. Don't waste a good sky by doing something stupid under it. Embrace it and savor it. :) Savor it. I haven't found the words to explain what this is supposed mean. Please comment if this makes any sense at all. And go look at this sky, it will never be here again.

"No One Could Have Scripted This"

Earlier today I realized that very rarely do any of us hear the same song. We all interpret lyrics differently. The one who actually wrote the lyrics that we obsess over and memorize and tuck away in the back of our minds, might not have intended for the music to speak to you in the way that it has. Fast Car, Tracy Chapman. The song you're listening to could be about something you never thought possible. Jumper, Third Eye Blind. Or the song that you've been listening to for years may just be starting to make sense. Over My Head, The Fray. So now I'm sitting here like some middle-aged romance novelist with my large coffee at close to midnight, trying to explain to you what's been on my mind for the past four hours. Two people could listen to the same song and hear the most different of stories. I'm Ready, Jack's Mannequin. He doesn't want to drown and stop living. He wants to drown in her and never be saved. He's ready to fall into her aura and stay there. Other songs are so relatable, it's insan-... it's ridiculous. :). Happy, Nevershoutnever!. Then there are songs whose lyrics mean close to the same thing to everyone who hears them, just some more intensely than others. Collide, Howie Day. Also, the songs that I wish I could relate to but are too sentimental to the original musician for me to fully understand. Moon River, Audrey Hepburn. Finally, the songs that you love with all your heart and you keep telling them to listen to and they do but they don't get what you're trying to say by telling them to listen to it and they're just like: Oh, that song's crap. but there will always be a part of you that wants them to open they're eyes (ears) and LISTEN to the song. Fire, Augustana. Interpretation is what builds your personal playlist. Music is how people speak to each other. It's how one person speaks to the world, to us. They give us their music and grant us with the freedom to interpret it how we choose, and there is no freedom equivalent to that. Food Chain, Eric Hutchinson.

Hear The Music Before The World Comes Crashing

People can live for one hundred years, and not live for a second. People can live like they're dead. People are idiots. God gave you a life. Do something with it. At your funeral, you don't want everyoneto have to sit around, trying to remember something great that you accomplished. Impact someone, I have and there is no better feeling in the world. Do something. DO something. Do SOMETHING. Carve your name into a tree. Lay down in wet cement. Write a song and belt it at an intersection. People don't forget things like that. Idiots couldn't forget something like that. I promise, you'll regret doing nothing. Do something that you will never ever forget. Meet someone that's impossible to forget. :). Buy a dog. Go to Walmart with your friends and sing and dance in the parking lot. Spin. Crash. Swim. Love. Jump off of something. It's a pastime of mine. Not a bridge or a building, don't be stupid. Jump as in take a risk. Forget everything that's keeping you from staying afloat. Let go of the wires. Stop hating. STOP IT. If you give up, the world will come crashing down on you. Sitting&settling for less is not being alive. Being alive is breathing, and loving that you can breathe. It's being excited to take another breath and keep going. Keep going. Even when you reach your destination, you'll realize you still want to keep going. Live out loud so as to reach all those who don't know how. Humans learn by example, so be one. When someone is asked "What do you want to do before you die?" the reply is usually "sky dive" or "travel" or "write a novel". The reply should be "Do you have awhile? Because before I die I want to live...."

I Jumped The Nonexistent Wall

This morning, at 12:37, I learned something about myself. The day was only thirty-seven minutes old, and I learned something about myself. I suck at boundaries. Like, sometimes I catch myself refusing to accept them, and if that's not an option, then I catch myself denying them. If I played the flute, I would have to play what was written on the sheet music. There would be miniscule space to make that music mine. It would be like some old man who wrote a song one day, is controlling my self-expression. That would suck. But I don't play the flute. I do art. I do art BECAUSE it's limitless. There are no boundaries. Not one. If there were, I don't know if I could love it the same way I do now. I think I love art so much because it kind of scares me a little. Like, what if people don't see what I was going for? Or what if it doesn't impact them in the way I intended? And then, there's the unshakeable fact that it's measureless. I can't imagine having to be contained so much. So I won't. So I suck at: cooking, being careful, and boundaries. And I'm totally ok with all of that :).

I Want A Love Like A Bruised Impala

I have this friend. She's more like my sister, being that we argue, bicker, fight (physically not verbally), and know basically everything about each other. Her favorite color is purple. She loves the rain. She loves to ice skate and is amazing at it. I admire her, in many ways. For example, she knows how to electrocute someone using only a metal chair, jumper cables, and a light switch. She did like one hundred flips on her trampoline once. She can french braid. She puts up with all my crap. She's going to live in Paris when she grows up. Also, she has this list of things she wants to do in her life (owning a convent, learning the drums, things like that) and there is no doubt in my mind that she will accomplish most, if not all, of those things. Owning a convent might be difficult. Impala! She's been my best friend for over...four (four?) years. :). She loves God with all of her being. Kankles. When I had this horse back riding accident and couldn't move anything, she brought me a movie. :). I watched it last night. That's another thing, she loves Kerri Russel. Kind of irrelevant, but that's ok. We both love George and Terrence. We're going to be old ladies like physically hurting each other just for the heck of it. :). She respects my love for Akmenrah. At least, I think she does. I can't remember how my life was before I knew her. Like, I had "best friends" before. Didn't I? I'm not too sure now. I can't wait to see what God has in store for her life. We've not once ever had a class together. Weird. I can't wait until we have cars and we go out to fields and watch lightning and catch fireflies. I am exactly one week older than her, and will never let her forget it. :). She killed a frog for me, once. Adolescent vodka! Haha. The first time she drove Sam's golfcart, she backed it into a tree. We told no one. Without her, I would've starved to death by now. Seriously. Her dog is her. Arabella Skydancer Galinda Elphaba Chenowoof. :). She has braces now, but when she didn't, we would go swimming and she shot water at me through her gaps. >.<. She's been in everyone of my movies. Hi there. I regret not sneaking into that psych ward. One time, we went trick-or-treating in like, April. She set her grass on fire with a sparkler XD. She doesn't care that I still play pokemon on my gameboy. Sometimes, she notices EVERYTHING, it's ridiculous. But other times, she's oblivious and I love that she can be both. "Go get me a fork!"I learned that it's really tough to keep big secrets (i.e. a sibling pregnancy) from her because she's so easy to talk to. It's because of her that I like bananas, I know that mangoes are sweet, I like papayas. Papayas! :). Papayas smell like **-...crap. She is an aunt, and the best one I've ever seen. If I'm ever an aunt, I hope I'm half as good at it as she is. When I told her to improv a song, she did. And it's now classic. She IS Celine Dion. That is all. For now. :) <3 Super Happy Fun Time.

Thank God For Noise.

You've got to swim. Swim for your life. Swim for the music that saves you, when you're not so sure you'll survive. You've got to swim, and swim when it hurts. The whole world is watching, you haven't come this far to fall off the earth.
The currents will pull you away from your love. Just keep your head above-swim.

Without music, survival would be impossible. I don't want to think about it. The sympathy I have for people who live in silence is...it's...I don't want to think about it. Fortunately, I don't have to. No one lives in silence. Most people, of my generation at least, listen to actual "music". Actual songs by actual artists who make actual albums. But everyone listens to something. It could be...their footsteps on the pavement, escaping their past, or the breathing of someone they love. UGRGHR that's so freaking sappy. What I'm saying is....it would take a while to say what I'm saying. If you want me to finish this blog, comment and I will. Just for you. Swim. :)