the not king

"anarchy!" the king said, "in the UK. It's by the sex pistols. you should really check it out." "hohum, -yes sire" the congregation mumbled & they all sat criss-cross and somesaulted out of the castle. the sun shone through the grand foyer window and awakened in the king a familiar sense of hope. he imagined the sun stepping down from it's high seat in the sky and knocking softly at the castledoor. the king would open the door to reveal a light and a beauty so overwhelming that his crown, alas would be knocked off his tousled brown hair & fall to the ground with a great CLINK. without his crown, the king would simply be a man.
this comely position, so often regarded as insignificant had for years been the kings deepest desire. Not that the crowns golden splendor was unpleasing, nor its grip upon the skull too constraining. The crown was beautiful. And much, if not all, of the kingdom would give their left side to place it upon their own head. But to the king, the crown meant obligation. it meant a bedtime, and thick stiff, out coats. It meant cold tasting warm food and sharp shallow not friendships. The the king, the crown was a small death. and each time he wore it, that small death would travel from the crowns golden inards down into the kings messy hair, the death would then burrow deep down into the kings thoughts. From there into the back holding strings of his eyeballs. it would continue making its way through the kings strong neck, fancifully clad chest, and finally lay rest in his heart. Once the small death landed is his heart, King would once again be reminded how truly, how deeply, how greatly, he did not, at all, want- to be the king.

Page 11

sometimes mornings are worse than the rest of the day, like when you see someone for the first time and you dont think youre going to like them very much. then you learn who they are and then you like them way more than you thought you would. it seems like everyday i learn something, which is how it should be i suppose. That one quote from garden state like how family is a group of people that all miss the same imaginary place. i like that a lot. And i like the dictionary a lot. family is like..the people youre with whenyou feel like youre at home. those rare moments where you breathe and everything feels really still for a minute and you just realise that wherever you are is exactly where you belong. its really hard to find things that are exactly. and always. but they exist.
i am sure that they do.

may flower

selfish is the sea
mocking those who are not free
raging at the wind
when the two are such close friends
"i must stay, so you must too!!'
the wind hears from the sea of blue,
"please," wind whispered, "let me go"
"no" said sea from down below.
the wind could never stay so still,
unlike the sea who always will.
the sea had alwayse been so small,
while the wind continued growing tall,
selfish is the sea
who keeps the wind away.
selfish is the one who tells the wind that it must stay
selfish is the wind for always taking chance
selfish is the sea
for holding wind against the dance.

elvis stein

-so I watched the leaves fall all of the way to the ground, and i knew that that was what love is to die so that it could be found- 'if she gets much prettier we might just have to kill her'
Im finding that whatever there is to be thankful for, each ful is pure evidence of the abundant manner in which God expresses his love for his creation.
Black coffee goes tremendously with orwell.

'life is alwase my favorite colour"

tonight at olive garden our table was in dire need of a King and danforth humbly took up the position. an eclectic mix of people, could maybe be called the outcasts almost. We don't really fit in with others, and we don't really fit in with each other. There fore we all have something in common, birds of a feather you could say, simply though a dozen different birds. I told bobby that 2 years and one day ago we became friends and he said, this, he said, you know That's why you're going to be a good writer. Because you remember things like that. then my insides melted a little and love overflowed into a smile. It was my birthday at olive garden but luke skywalker seemed to be onto the charade so no singing was exhibited.
Alicia daniel and I went into the bathroom to put water in his hair because that helps headaches? and i saw us in the mirror and thought when I woke up this morningi had no idea that 12 hours later I'd be in the ryker bathroom painting water onto daniels hair with alicia with beauty in the beast playing in the next room and a handful of hooligans hollering happily. And I also never thought in that same bathroom the three of us would have a one night sit, speaking words of unhindered truth and listening with six ears of the winter. listening abundantly. Good talks, good hearts growing.
On our way to shades bobby and I saw a hitchhiker dancing in the road so i picked her up and her name was melissa and she had a prayer book. Not exactly sure how she wandered so far or what predicament seemed to so deeply frazzle her. But bobby and I were talking about jesus and she said she liked our conversation and then at66th some peculiar institution of sorts seemed to desire her company, her departure leaving the two of us rather curious and moderately skeptical. Oh well melissa. First hitchhiker.
At shades I begged loyal to come to thanksgiving with me tomorrow but he said he didn't want to be awkward to which I reminded him that no matter where he goes when why how and with whom, it would be awkward. Because that's simply his method of existence. He laughed and we compromised.
Bobby and i drove home and as i was leaving his home, car accidentally fell into a little ditch and stuck for close to an hour. Beautiful way to begin thanksgiving, and a thursday. The bobbys marched outdoors one by one, into the star ceilinged sleep walking planet earth to assist. Extraordinary people. Five of us, 1 in the morning thanksgiving 2011, thankful. In the circumstance, not necesarily for but absolutely in. Because for one moment there was no going anywhere, no leaving, it was there stuck still, and there was nothing left to do but look up into the glory and know that life Is bigger than this and this is a good thing, broken axel burning rubber, this is a good thing because at least I HAVE a car to fall into a ditch in. At least we HAVE a morning to be awoke up too early on. we have voices to complain with, we have voices to rejoice with, choose what to do with yours. The soul of the chosen, sing like we used to dance like we want to.
There is so much to be thankful for and herre in this second i am most thankful for this whole peculiar life thing. Life and the way its so uncomfortable sometimes and other times the way its unusually smooth. nothing like it truly.

look around with intention, let your dream life be this moment

ocn

And their hearts only keep beating because hearts need not eyes nor light to do so.
for if they did, they would fall silent, unmoving, of blindness. people are mean. that is a truth. it exists, evil. it exists. And we have to love those who do not love us. and i think that the broken hearts we have toward those who have let evil succumb them are a sheer evidence of the love we have for said persons.

as they grow older the evil grows within them. because it is easier to live in the difficulty of hopelessness than it is to believe. It is easier to live life without rest than it is to admit being in need of rest. ,, for them,.

Love has reached them perhaps just on the wrong day. perhaps love said the wrong thing or walked a crooked step and somehow offended them. /but can love ever be wrong? and by loving anything they're lying to someone. either to themselves or to the world. if their lvoe is genuine, then their evilness is the antithesis. if their evil is their truth, then how can love truthfully come OF them?

that
is the difference.
perhaps the only significant difference that exists between two or more
things.
good, and. evil.
and all other smaller differences are dervied from that
one.

you were Misunderstood but the King praised your loyal ty

the other night i parked in front of a trashcan.
on this trashcan someone had painted in red, "money is not wealth"
i wished that all of tulsa, all of america, all of us here on this earth today could have read that. the world, not that it means to enemise or corrupt, is so devoted to it's money. to its success. and who wouldnt be if they were oblivious to truth and the hope beyond what this world offers, right? can't blame the blind for being blind, we can only teach them slowly to see. money is not wealth. this reminded of matthew 6-21, 'where your treasure is, there your heart will be also'. inversely that reads, where your heart is there your treasure will be also. in it's most primitive state, our treasure lies within what we love. so, i ask, where is, your, heart. where do you feel led, where do you long for when you leave. or who or what. that sir, is where your heart lies.

i think what we need to do is stop treasure hunting. stop seeking happiness, success, relationships, approval, and being to seek truth. and by truth, i of course mean Jesus. a friend lets call hilary once told me that when your heart is in the right place and your eyes are fixed on the Lord, the rest will be a natural outcome. 1. rest: as in freedom from trouble and weariness. refreshed as if from sleep or renewal. and 2 rest: as in everything else.
if we allow god to have our heart, and allow him to do with it whatever he wants( which i promise are good things romans 8:28), then he is where our heart is. oh hey funny how that worked out, because where our heart is there our treasure will be also.
so if our treasure is jesus, we are free completely to stop pursuing the things and ideas we believe will lead to treasure because He is already ours. if youve got him youve got everything you need okay?

Tonight i attended the wedding of a couple young love birds whom I have never before met. arriving, everyone in the chapel seemed painfully stoic. The air was so stiff and the talk so withheld, I found myself wishing the ceiling would break free of the walls and spread it's wings and fly off into the hills, making way for the golden leaves to rush in to the chapel and cause a ruckus of sorts. something bright to liven the mood, ya know. my heart was beginning to harden towards the place and people and so i prayed that God would allow me to see the value in these strangers that he sees in them.
then as cliche as it is, chasing cars by snow patrol started playing and all the wedding stuff was happening and looking around, every one looked so intriquged so truly captured by this whole show of love. the walls were down within every one present watching these two lives become one bigger life, and it was cool how love could unite people like that.
every one was really happy after that and we all stepped on the flower petals and i learned that middle aged women are far more conversationally pleasant when paired with a little whine. ben was talking to me about my plans, "plans" come up so much and personally i think plans are a shitty concept and should be refrained from. hopes, perhaps. dreams maybe. want to's, will do's, not plans. anyways he told me that from experience its probably best to stick around at some communty college for a few years then head off anywhere else. then i didn't say anything and he looked at me a little harder and said, "but you know. get a scholarship. go anywhere." right on, boverton. it's refreshing to be reminded that age is just a number and that being golden doesn't fade, and that this Great love is so much bigger than any mistake, any silence, any boundary, and any opinion. it's undeniable, inevitable, an IN YOUR FACE kind of love. like the rain outside you can't avoid it, and even if you close your eyes you can still feel it on your skin and stuff.

all the gold that we could eat,

remember remember the fifth of november, the gunpowder treason and plot.
i remember everything about last 5th of november, mostly because all day i was saying REMEMBER REMEMBER THE FIFTH OF NOVEMBER. it worked i guess.

this fifth of novemeber was vastly different, and i was alone most of the day even when there were people all around me i was still kind of alone, been thinking a lot today how in one whole year i'm at the same coffee shop at the same time on the same day. different before and after events. different smells and sounds. different people standing with me. same red peacoat.
to day i realised that ive been living kind of in the past. not so much like fuck yeah man the eighties man, or um not like stuck back in Nam either, more so just allowing the past few months to linger a little too heavily within my heart soul and mind. there are so many rich memories so many words said and secrets kept, and its time to accept that despite their goodness and worth, they've run their course ya know. and there was this quote something about if we keep rereading one chapter of our life, we wont be able to start a new one. amen . hazah, so anywhoo i'm going to let go of some things. in fact i have, decided to a few hours ago. Feels good. i pray that someone else needs to do this too, and that they will see The freedom that comes with turning the page. and the Freedom in the freedom of being blessed with the Freedom to WRITE or create WHATEVER it is that you'd like that page to be.
how can we keep dancing with chained ankles and stained dresses? we can't. and we don't have to. Beautiful that we are often the only thing holding ourselves back, because all we have to do is to decide to stop doing that.

It's been comning up a lot lately that this world is not my home, but rather a place as temporary as the troubles and seasons that inhabit. however, it is beautiful, and i am growing to trust that all these people places and circumstances God has so craftily place before me are the right ones. i am where i should be.

so this fifth of november ive decided to embrace this a lone time, and by doing so of course my eyes were opened to the impossibility of true aloneness. i know too many names to ever be truly alone, loyal daniel not anna julie david and collin and other collin and me were sitting at shades of brown during this earthquake right and it was so cool because every one was quiet and together and we all just sat trying to understand. it faded, but the small ripples in my coffee cup revealed it wasn't ready to settle quiet yet. i love that. Maybe its just because they are so rare here, but really that little earthquake was BEAUTIFUL. you go, mother earth, kicking up trouble where its due. We all need to be shaken up a little. stirred, inspired, to wipe the fog from our vision and stomp on the ground to feel the sleepy blood race through our veins, to allow the moments resound be at home within our wobbly knees. Remind each of the living to check their mail and check their priorities and let them know that if they don't like where they are they should change it because they, are not, a tree.

remember remember the 5th of november. so as the words flow, my mind is hanging onto to a daydream i need to document, here i leave you.
p.s. getting home, the earthquake had knocked everything down and shattered off of my fireplace mantle, everything except the box of my beloved grandma's ashes. And the world tries to convince us the angles are a sham. no world, Your lack of heart to notice the angels is a sham. Sham shsam ahsamsam.

tonight was a golden jewel on the crowned glory of autumn.

landfill

is the liquor worth the pain

my lungs are empty now, ill use my hands to speak somehow

how tragic it is that the slam of letter keyboard keys will never suit harmonically with the dancing of the trees outside, and so this i write with quiet hands.

i'm realising that once we sign up to love, we sign up for life. real life, i mean. and half the time, MORE than that like 64 percent of time lately has felt almost unreal. not artificial. not. lacking. Just hard, i suppose to comprehend the vastness and effects of a single moment, a solitary decision, the timing of stop lights in correlation with whatever street and whatever song and how long Gwendlelyn feels like singing on a saturday night. i'm realising that all of those are interesting and thought provoking, but i don't have to think about them. It's not really my place as one human being to be so deeply concerned with the way things are. Beauty in that, for sure.
last night i was telling this to my friend daniel and he asked me if its bad or good and i said i wasnt sure, and then. daniel. asked me this,
he said okay, so even if this were all a dream, would you do anything differently? and i said i don't think so. IN dreams we say what we feel, we kick bad guys in the balls, we soar of sorts, Often at least from my dreaming experience, in dreams we are intrepid in a mystical way almost. why does that have to be only in dreams, ya know? i mean isnt life worthy of a little fearlessness? hm, are life and dreams even opposites?
beginning to believe that they are more just close friends.
life says, hey dreams, you look pretty tonight.
dreams says, life, man, i miss you lets get together soon.
Life says, yeah. lets.
perhaps thats what right now is.

-here comes that sun again

the lips of the Found

go through things that i need, make me hurt make me bleed, but i will rise and see the light pray my way through the night.

whatever could it be that has brought me to this loss

i could hold you in my arms, i could hold on forever

sometimes bombs fall quietly

find strength in pain.

this too shall pass.

be Still
and know.

Whatever could it Be

A band of vampires walk through a valley, in a parade of sorts. All looking diligently for a girl named emma. But they're not looking in the Trees or under rocks, they're looking straight ahead & behind their own shoulders and in their own coat pockets and up with all the clouds. at once the pitter patter, pat dat dah pitaah, pattah of all their dusty walking shoes fades & the only sound is a distant roar. Similar to that of an angry ocean tide let loose from its Cage of gravity. the vampires were surprised to see exactly that, as the roaring waters Grew closer. now all swallowed up by the Sea, the vampires silently allowed themselves to be tossed and taken. One vampire managed to stick his head out of the Water,, just long enough to express "mm salty," before the waves pushed him under again. after a few hours, the vampires fell asleep somehow in the vast bed of dancing ocean. They were beginning to forget about their search, it didn't seem likely that they would ever find Emma now. They didn't even know where in the world they were, or how long theyd been with the waves. a Certain upstanding vampire awoke with a sudden determination. His name was ace and he was a really take charge kind of guy. while all the other vampires were sleeping, ace began to build a ladder. He remembered their search& their purpose& was not going to let a little water clog his sense. he worked night and day on building that ladder until it was of Magnificent height, he climbed to the top, and breathless, stared down at the Waves water below. It was, absolutely, beautiful. as it tossed furiously with an effortless elegance, Ace could see the shadows of the dreaming vampires all below the surface. The wave seemed to notice Ace's high presence. he leaned down a little and said quite loudly "hellow down there!! What is your name?" .."Emma" the wave replied, & all was silent. Ace smiled shyly at having found the lost and, satisfied, down back into the water.

augustus

how beautiful you are, my darling. Focus. a focus. Each day is a long line of moments and a few stand out among the many. some are so fleeting but some grab us by the throat until we turn anew, some like to poke at another moment we’ve held dear. How glorious it is that we with our mere anchors for bodies can experience short bottles of time that lift us from where we are and turn on the lights. Ya know, when someone says that something and their eyes light up and you just deeply want to paint with the color of their voice. Because you know you could always dig that painting out of the attic and stare into the color and remember, even for a second, you can climb once again to the peak of that moment and rest upon it. You can sit at the top and see for miles the feelings, smells, befores and afters of right then.

It is those moments and those people that bring us neck deep into the ocean of abundant appreciation. if you recognize the blessings you have, you’re drowning. In goodness. and the richest love known and unknown.

Ever look at someone and just feel like they alone are the entire world? ever hold a hand and long to always have it there. Good. glad for you. never met a person in my life that in my life that i can say I have felt honest hate for. because in everyone there lies some good somewhere. It may very well be a minuscule particle of good dust that they accidentally breathed in at a birthday party or something, but its there within them. As it is also in every situation.

may who has been be revived again, may the woods swallow up the shivering wind. May the hour behind bring peace to your mind, and may that light in your eye cease to die.

osaka sun

Simple life sounds so desirable, but i don't think its really so intended. the love of Jesus within me is not at all simple. It is depth, it is vast,and It will take eternity to know its Every meausure. The dreams and passions within me are not simple.they are big, colorFul, overflowing. Simple seems to be one of those things that only exists outside of a person. what about a human being is simple? not the way all our organs work ideally together, not the way we each are capable of unique, inidiviudal though. not the purpose we were designed for. certainly simple just isn't so Itself.

i don't even Want this soup anymore

oh calm,
the silence inbetween the
songs
oh breath
stolen from the lungs
of a life far too
young.

our hearts are not equipped for end, simply because we are built for eternity. it is our humanity limits what we long to understand, and perhaps that is our tragic flaw, being hu.man.
but is it a flaw if it is intended? certainly, under love, humanity is what unifies us.

the God i know knows, what he is doing. and he sees our hearts and he sees the storm clouds within us that are tied so heavily to his name, however he is Faithful. it is not for us to understand, for understanding is one of the heaviest burdens to bear.
ive no words aside from His ways are not our ways. his thoughts are not our thoughts.
and however hard it may be to focus on the Glorious unseen, do so.
it is so easy to distrust when we think miracles don't ever happen anymore, those days are far over, but look around, YOUR existence itself is a miracle. tell me what is not miraculous about seeds that make trees that make air for our lungs that breathe that make co2 for the trees that are seeds. tell me what is not miraculous about the color of your eyes.

a huge question is why do bad things happen to good people, well, why would satan need to attack bad people? Bad people are not furthering the kingdom of god, they're not a threat to satan. Why should he waste his time on them? good people, tho. man, those good people, they have satan clawing at the air in an eager rage to tear them apart because he knows that if he doesn't, God will win. As if God has not already won.
it makes sense that Satan would choose to attack a life so fresh with the spirit. it does not make sense why God would allow it, but you and i we only see the thumb infront of our face, we are as of now blind to all the colors, situations, will happens, could happens, alwayses directly behind that thumb.
a loss, a loss, a love.

this, my explanation

new is best , early is better, we believe this because it's what we've experience.
things are alwase better good seemingly perfect, and then they can't get any better and instead grow worse.
when you meet someone new and they are so cool and intriguing in a completely unorthodox fashion, then you know them more, you know what their favorite color is, then you being to know what drink they will order, and what time they will have to be home, it goes on. seems to be really getting downhill when you start to know what they're going to say. then you know so much that anything and everyone seems more new than they. and we see that as a bad thing because we remember when they were knew and how exciting it was to speak and dig into that persons thoughts and memories, hear stories you could never had imagine because you simply didn't know.
same with many things, seasons, those first signs of summer the sun, the uh lemonade, the wearing as little clothes as possible, then in a month or so or two, it grows so familiar we can't appreciate it anymore. towns, friends, coffeeshops, bands, vegetables, a school year, an idea, a book, this happens so much and it often ends sadly.
but i believe it doesn't have to really, ya know, sure things are exciting new like a splash of water in your face or maybe coffee, maybe even GOLD,. it's a surprise ya know, gold hits your face and you can't help but think damn that was interesting i want more, then gold hits your face everyday and you can't remember what it was like when you never knew what it felt like to have gold hit your face. but also, you can know deeper, people are always changing, things are always being seen realised or remembered. maybe some days there is nothing to say, maybe some months, or maybe just a moment. maybe you just really want to say Gold, get off my face please, i'd like to uh close my eyes for awhile , but perhaps Gold would take offense.
try so to not dwell on comparison between the beginning and the current, that leads to dark paths of thought with a broken lantern and an empty lighter. Love that the new occurred. how many memories painted that new, a lot right? blessings. and know that if whatever is is to be contiuned, it will be. no need to fret on maintaining that thrill of a start, just let it be. let it grow, become taller, more colorful. maybe let it stretch out. Get the gold off your face and hold it, stare at it awhile. You don't need a cure, an excuse, to explain, you do not need to relapse or refrain or regret or neglect, just acknowledge the way life has always swayed and take it's hand and let it teach you how to dance.

there is Something beautiful about a Clock that doesn't tick

that sound they make,
the most irritating thing i've ever known perhaps.
just why do we need to know, really,
how many seconds are left in this minute? or how many minutes in this hour, hours in this day, days in this life?
Time is not an enemy, simply a means of understanding created by God, as all things were, i believe to help us, God doesn't have bad ideas

it is so so nice to not know what time it is, i think not knowing that may be my favorite thing to not know. Some days we're tired of school, tired of existing, tired of having to explain why we're so tired, and if it's not fixed it often drags on over into the next day then it becomes a lifestyle. when something becomes, something else begins to be forgotten.
so, stop. Every thing that happens, from now on, this is, maybe try a cleanse of sorts. find zen. tap into that peace department your heart has been designed to carry.
it is okay to feel hazy,
it is okay to end things and start things and not know what to do about things,
to not know where you're going, that's okay, because you still know where you've been and the two are greatly dependent on each other.
it is okay.
maybe, yes, it says on the wall, All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. this can be seen a number of ways, choose this one: don't think about how much time you have, don't have, need, need to kill, wish you had, would like back, don't think about any of that. think about how this second, right now, you are here. you are breathing with a beating heart and some growing bones, and you are alive and that's on purpose.
an escape, a soul vacation, take one. find what you love, love what you find. get a job, quit a job, be alone, read a really fucking good book,
i'm reading this book right now about this girl who leaves her town with no idea and no destination what so ever. she says she's going to fill up her tank with gas, then leave, she wants a new name too right. she decides what ever the town is in which her gas runs out, that's her name. fills up again. whichever town she runs out of gas in , that's where she will stay
fiction is a little extreme, but hey 'we all have our topics'.
breathe a little deeper.

dried tomato

some people fall in love with other people, some people fall in love with things, some people fall in love with places. recently i fell in love with the sun it was truly, unexpected i mean the sun and i have known each other for years then out of nowhere i'm seeing it every day. not just seeing it i mean, but seeing it. seeing the rays of gold and violet shatter the barrier of glass and clouds, like it's reaching for me. Or stepping outside to a flood of agaonized faces complaining on the heat and looking up and seeing That sun, that sun that seems to somehow have been waiting for me to walk by. Chasing it. ever chased the sun? it changes colors.
i dont know, man, just the sun is everything we are all supposed to be. it's so aware of it's purpose, it knows who it is, it knows how to be and where to go all the time. Sure some days we'd rather it stay in bed or on the other side of the world maybe, but really think. beauty. beautiful, the sun is.
in love.

One cannot believe in both God and coincidence.

a midsummer's night

Rolling home a quarter past midnight I said farewell to my lost boys in the band wagon. love was in the air tonight as were heat and curiosity. The beauty began with an ear of corn and a string of Silver. continued with a children's play, was given new life by a dark car ride, and grew tremendously at a small shop of coffee. not only was the coffee everything my summer soul had been longing for, albert einstein himself was there, IN THE FLESH.just a few chairs away. His wisdom radiated throughout and among the eclectic persons present.time passed, we said until again, and arrived at the palace home. Ya know, the kind where you're not sure if that chair is for sitting or just for decoration. six half naked bodies with saltwater eyes, and minds which forgot King clock. words floated across the pool as the stars did in the sky above us. Each heart had a different focus, yet somehow we remained each in attune with the others. perhaps it was the heavy heads full of then and now. Maybe the ones who drew out paths to cross knows something we do now. maybe we were high on the air of june, with colored youth clouding our senses.maybe it will always. Be that way.

From the eyes of a swan where the wishing dust grew

Eyelashes. ive got a habit of pulling mine out. during passive activites like reading or movies or sitting in the car, some people pull out their own hair or eyelashes without even noticing. there's a fancy name for it, starts with a t, but im not doctor so let's not give it the pleasure. Eyeyye i just did it AGAIN, it makes me so angry with myself that everyday i lose three or five or seven eyelashes just because of this sickening habit, but i've no idea how to stop.

When I was five i was in a swimming lesson, rubbed my eyes, and a small curved eyelash rested on my thumb as I pulled my hand away. my swim teacher told me that because it was on my thumb, i could wish on it.
maybe Trichotillomania (oop, let it slide) is a subconsious desire for more chances to wish.
seems like people wish on everything these days, stars, dandelions, necklaces, eyelashes, pennies, fountains, statues, a certain time of day. Seems like msot of what I've ever wished for has come true. perhaps maybe once we wish something, that desire is brought forth from our secret heart, into our hestitant throats, and out of our alwase moving mouths. Once said, it is also heard. Being heard, we feel as though it must happen, to prove something almost. prove ourselves, the power of the object wished upon, or the fate on the side of the wish itself.
im beginning to think wishing is our human way or revealing to ourselves what we truly want to happen, the things we're hung up on, or crave, the people we wish to know, throw it up to the sky. Wish outloud, wait and see.
cause you wouldn't wish for something you knew was going to happen, right?

and the children sing.

Looking at a map of the world, the first thing I notice is the colors, almost every map of the world is some shade of blue and green. water and land, ya know, then I see the shapes of the green, how a couple of them are similar just with bulges or points in different places. And some take up like a whole side while others are so little your nose pretty much has to touch the wall just to notice it's there. then i notice the words, cities islans seas harbors countries towns mountains continents oceans pasages penninsulas channels deserts bays. and i realise how familiar I am with this map and i wonder about the people living in the dark, the people who have never ever seen a map, the ones who don't know what map means or what one looks like, the people that have no word for map in their language simply because maps are not much a part of their culture. maybe they don't even realise there is a whole world beyond their own city or village or family or bowl.
Earlier I was looking at this map in Room right, poking pins into the wall on the places ill go. After looking at the World for awhile, It starts seeming more and more as though it isn't so big after all. just, after all, us, we, you, i, are incomprehensibly..small.
We all know the places spain, italy, paris, china, US, pacific ocean, Mediterranean,brazil, pacific, we all know those. since the age of six we are reminded and schooled of those places at a rate nearly constant. you can see why so many of us say we want to travel the world, we spend our whole childhood hearing stories and seeing pictures. it's human nature to desire to see it for ourselves. how about the south sandwich islands in the scotia sea, just east of the coast of argentina. The great victoria desert in south australia. the white sea dividing russia from the Kola penninsula. Natal, campeche, somerset island, spitsbergen, Sredinnyy khrebet, balakovo, toulouse, glasgow, Corpus christi, la rioja.
overwhelming.
the world is much bigger than us, yes, and we are much bigger than ants.
if i could I would step foot, barefoot, on every inch of everywhere of World, The. beautiful, she is beautiful. and so much. How unbelievable that almost everything we each physically personally know is all on this one place. Every where we've ever heard of, everyone we've ever met, is all here.
i love it.
This place, how could anyone ever get tired of it, there is so much, I look at this map once more with one bare manifest admiration for being so much and so glorious, truly, what is all of this but Gods work and idea.
Our world is one of timeless wisdom, it was brought to life by a being much larger than itself, and from that day it has lived in out through while across under and between all that we know as history. all the animals, personalities, fruits, foods, oils, inventions, flowers, hair colors, bones, from always. it's all here and so are we.
wonderful, i'd say.

GREY or BLUE

she was a bright girl,
with new eyes of a curious color.
she sang when she knew the song
and when she didn't,
she listened until she did.
dreams came easily to her,
her days were spent chasing them
and waiting upon them.
she always hungered for love.
a heart full, and skin warm.
she was a brave girl.
and she would not be defeated.

Maestro

outside the festival gates, i laid and you sat. The stars hung above it all, silver suns on a string. the wind reached even them, leading them nearly to a slow dance in the sky. close eyes, lean back, look up, open eyes. open eyes. breathe. "Do you think other people exist somewhere way out there?" "maybe. but i don't think we're ever intended to know them." your words fed life into the night, they covered me from the cold thoughts of mind and body. how odd that all else seemed so small compared to us right there, the lights, people, cars, sounds, town, fried food, it was of an entirely seperate place. a place of of much significance to its inhabitants, but little to the thoughts that inhabited us.
perhaps the stars were listening, or maybe that grass had been up late waiting. but something about it seemed almost destined. an unscripted arrangement by God himself, him and her and there and then. or maybe we somehow overcame the passing minutes and lost keys and maybe we stumbled right into place, all unintentionally intended of course. transpersonally, instantaneously, gracefully, we stumbled to that ground and the words flowed from within us, we are fountains. we are sky. two heads and one planet, waiting to stay. and wondering vastly beyond the attainable and further reaching into that infintie abyss of the possible and the doubtful, and mastering the art of blending the two. fountains we are.

red light, green light

tonight, i was speaking with two adults. two adults that have generally supported me always, i told them about some things that i had recently discovered, things that have me biting at the bit to get in a car and flee to boston.
anyways, i told them these tidbits and they responded with a lovely story of someone they know going to boston, just like i want to, and being "outgoing" and "wanting to travel" and how he got there and by the second semester wanted to go back home.
for God's sake, if you're going to indirectly attempt to bring me down just grow a pair and do it bluntly. tell me. tell me i can't do this, i dare you.
funny how often, people that have allowed their dreams, desires, and plans, to fade and grow dusty in the back of their minds have a hard time handling it when they see others inches away from holding all they've set their hopes on.
kind of venting here,
it just really upset me, first i started to cry and then i realised all of their doubt is derived from all of their fear. that's where they're different from me, i don't have much fear to give me much doubt where they are stocked up with both. if there was a mirror nearby, i would've looked myself in the eye and said lex, you're going. you're going. alas, there was not so rather i repeated to myself most of the thoughts i've had in the last year or so.
God did not create the whole world so that we will stay in one place our whole lives.
boston will be good because it is where i belong.
God has placed this desire within me for a reason, he's led me to this hope.
don't. listen. to them.
maybe i'll want to go home, then i'll either go home or perhaps realise that boston is home.

this all may seem naive, biased, or piped,
or it may seem what it truly is,
driven.

holding up a boombox into the sky.

it's crazy how we all have birthdays. Every day of every year belongs to someone. they're really truly lovely, birthdays, and entire day for a one little person just to be able to celebrate their existence, I've been craving a birthday lately. sometimes when people hi about forty they start to deny their birthdays. They say that its no big thing, its just another day. No bad wrong. it is not just another day it is your birthday, the one day of all that marks when you breathed your first breathe and opened your eyes and began this life you've been given. it's a really special day to be taken so lightly. my teacher turned 36 yesterday and in class she was telling us all the good things about thirty six and how cool it is. thirty six, you are 18 times 2, you are 6 squared, you are 12 sets of 3, you are growing wise but not yet cold, you are dancing on age without losing your balance. there are good things about every age. Great things.
when someone turns a year, stories are told, a song is sung, cake is baked, gifts are given, but also it's kind of like taking a really big step. Or finally finishing a really long lap. going to sleep and knowing that when you wake up you'll be a whole new age is one of those feelings that deserve a whole big day. When I was little on my birthdays people would always ask me how it felt to be five or nine or thirteen. I always said the same, which is both melancholy and glorious. age isn't so powerful that it alters a whole person, it's a change without much of a ripple effect. You're the same you you have been just with a new number pinned to your being. perhaps that's why birthdays are often overlooked, people deem them as a simple number when really they are a beginning and an end. Like putting on new shoes then contiuing on the journey. Birthdays are really rather nice to have around.

of time, six weeks til the sun gets high.

when i was a little girl, my brother and i would spend hours outside trying to find this one berry bush. some times they were perfect. black and purple and lovely and thriving. ripe, ya know. they were ready and that's when they were best. but when they weren't ready, it was quite unpleasant. you never want to eat wild berries before they are ready. you might be ready, but they might not be. and ever though you are, if you just show them patience, in the end it will be better for the both of you. this applie to lots of things. peaches, for example. any fruit really, but peaches have my favor. the best peach is the one that is ripe and ready for you. they sit on the counter for days, taunting you with their color. their color leads you to believe that they are aboslutely ready, but biting into them you realise the opposite. think about love. chasing after love before it's ready to be found and enjoyed will only end with a tummy ache and a rotting love with a big bite taken out. or maybe thats peaches. close to the same. we are ready for so much, we are youth. we want everything in life to be right now. but lots of that everything is not ripe and ready to happen. wait. the word is agonizing, yes, but wait. loss only remains until love arrives. furthermore, peaches, like many things in life, grow to be ready in their own time. peaches are in control. they won't wait for you to eat them. when they are ripe, you take that peach and make the best of it. the same goes for love. when love is ready and around, you take that love. accept that it may not always be there, but love it deeply none the less. it's day will come, the peach the love eh ou whatayer you make of this. the day will come.

viva siempre.

i've always said that i want a john steinbeck lifestyle. people, just people a few really good people. and some coffee, with no regards to time. and we just live whenever we want, however we want.
something about today. the brick sidewalks, organic cigarettes, the Temptations, maybe the vanilla chai. or the people. all of the beautiful people that i have, by the grace of God, come to know. something about today made me realise that i have that life that i've always wanted.

for some reason i always imagined it would start someday. i'd be twenty something and my friends would be over and we would be painting and telling stories. then tonight, we were all clapping for the moon and something in me just opened and let all that life in. it's right now. the life i want, i have it. and i didn't even notice.

waking up to them, being dragged out of bed into a car, disoriented and loving it, riding to that same nowhere town with those real live people. hearing them play for the thousandth time and knowing in my soul "they're gonna be big." clapping for the moon, because why should we ever think that's uneccesary, bathroom carpet, singing radiohead in the car, catching sunspots in every picture, reading each other's writing, hearing each other's songs, sitting in each other's cars, never knowing what time it is, eating india bread, howling, opening the window for the hooligans, teaching valcott guitar, dancing with lonny in Room, and writing to the moonlight until the sun wakes up. i don't have to wait ten years, or until high school is over, or until i have a license, i don't have to wait for anything. i'm living now. i've been living now and very well all the time. we're all alive all the time.

life is so abundant. every single day is so full. everything people say, listen to them and listen to yourself. and please see that there is nothing in your way. maybe you have the life you've always wanted and you just don't even notice. notice.

this world is so full of truth. like one of those stone walls from back in the day. You're just standing there, toes touching the bottom, face to face with stones of gray. Big stones. old.

vienna waits for you.

Goverened or characterized by an abrupt change in feeling, opinion, or action, due to a whim or fancy.

a lot of the time I don't tell people things because i know they wouldn't understand them. i'm sparing them the contemplation it would take to make sense of things that aren't even really that important. not that most people would even care enough to contemplate what i don't tell them. that's another thing, sometimes I don't tell people things because I know that it would not matter as much to them as it does to me. and that would make me sad. it shouldn't really, though. just because i care about things doesn't mean everyone is going to. human nature. I really need to work on that human nature thing.
today i just felt like I wasn't seeing anything. besides people. i saw people pretending a lot. i even pretended a little.
but mostly i just felt like i do when i first wake up and my mind is still sleeping but my eyes are trying to get it to wake up. or that feeling when you open your eyes under water and you can only make out just enough to not die or break your nose.
it was a day of thought, around the same thing, for the most part.
many of my days are spent solely in thought.
not sure if that's for the better or for not the better.
todayye I thought a lot about that word capricious and how much it is wind. and how when it comes to the things and the people that really matter, i am so terribly capricious. because i love them so much. and i don't want to hurt them so much. capricious.
1. how
2. do
3. i
4. make
5. everyone
6. o
7. k?
Not that it is at all my job to make anyone anything. it would just be nice.
furthermore.
today was not bad nor terrific. it was okay. simply okay. i just wish that i could make sense of things that i see and know in my mind so that when i want to tell other people about them with my whole self, that they wouldn't get hurt or confused. that they would just be able to say, "Yes. I see what you mean" and that they really would see.
and also i wish that i knew what exactly it is that I want. and i wish i knew what i wanted when everything that i could possibly have wanted was right in front of me. and a part of me wishes to not be so capricious, but the rest of me knows that being capricious is a gloriously tragic, terribly free factor in being the wind.

Thought the world of you, wrapped around your finger.

One day, I woke up and life felt a little different. Some parts were missing, they were gone. People I love, they weren't there anymore. Places I love, they were no longer mine. But I'm okay. None of that killed me. Certain things became easier, but most became much more difficult. Among these, sleep, dreaming, and trust. In my whole life, I've only completely trusted one person. One human being ever. And they've drifted from my corner of the world. Which is fine. That happens. I've just further learned that depending on people and things and places rarely works out. I could be bitter about it and drone on about how no one can be trusted and how nothing lasts.

But instead I've come to realize that everyone we meet in life, we meet because we are supposed to. Meant to. They are going to say something or teach us something that we need to learn from them, or they from us. I learned a lot from that one person whom I trusted. How to breath, how to feel alive, the ways of people, and how to really show that you love someone. Most of all of the important thing I've ever learned were learned from that one person. And then gradually, they detattched themself from my life. For a reason, I'm sure. I just wish I knew the damn reason.

People, love, feelings, they come and go. I like to think that everything that goes will eventually come back. Just something comforting to tell yourself, due to being human and not being able to fully grasp those concepts of fate and destiny.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that lately, I've lost so much. Things that were promised to always be there aren't there anymore. The two people who taught me what love means, and how love should be, I don't have them anymore. However, I remain alive. The Wind. Siempre. Breathing, living, learning, slowly growing. It's that rich melancholy swallowing me when I least expect it. Carrying me away to those very back shelves of my mind with the dusty pictures frames and faded old letters.

Funny how even when people aren't really in your life anymore, they're still teaching you. These two, while absent, have taught me what it truly means to miss another person. To crave their presence and mourn their absence. Remembering things that they used to say and do, in a situation where it would fit perfectly. And realizing that they're not there to make it happen. Losing sleep, time, wishes, all while trying to cope and survive, and put on that coat of "I'm great, how are you?" every day. I've also learned that it is possible to be happy and sad at the same time. Humans are emotional creatures. Emotional and complex creatures. Of course they can experience multiple feelings at once.

The ambivalence is, in a way , like swimming deep in the ocean where it's dark and you can't see much. Then every once in awhile, you swim a little higher without really noticing. And the sun breaks through the water and you look up and see the ripple of ocean and sky colliding peacefully. Like they haven't seen each other in nine years. You're happy. A cloud drifts by and settles in front of the sun. It takes you a moment to realize that you're still submerged in this water. Deep in the water, surrounded. In that ocean of melancholy and the struggle to make sense of things that are never supposed to make sense. So, it's on-going. A day by day thing, life is.

As it should be.