One day, I woke up and life felt a little different. Some parts were missing, they were gone. People I love, they weren't there anymore. Places I love, they were no longer mine. But I'm okay. None of that killed me. Certain things became easier, but most became much more difficult. Among these, sleep, dreaming, and trust. In my whole life, I've only completely trusted one person. One human being ever. And they've drifted from my corner of the world. Which is fine. That happens. I've just further learned that depending on people and things and places rarely works out. I could be bitter about it and drone on about how no one can be trusted and how nothing lasts.
But instead I've come to realize that everyone we meet in life, we meet because we are supposed to. Meant to. They are going to say something or teach us something that we need to learn from them, or they from us. I learned a lot from that one person whom I trusted. How to breath, how to feel alive, the ways of people, and how to really show that you love someone. Most of all of the important thing I've ever learned were learned from that one person. And then gradually, they detattched themself from my life. For a reason, I'm sure. I just wish I knew the damn reason.
People, love, feelings, they come and go. I like to think that everything that goes will eventually come back. Just something comforting to tell yourself, due to being human and not being able to fully grasp those concepts of fate and destiny.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that lately, I've lost so much. Things that were promised to always be there aren't there anymore. The two people who taught me what love means, and how love should be, I don't have them anymore. However, I remain alive. The Wind. Siempre. Breathing, living, learning, slowly growing. It's that rich melancholy swallowing me when I least expect it. Carrying me away to those very back shelves of my mind with the dusty pictures frames and faded old letters.
Funny how even when people aren't really in your life anymore, they're still teaching you. These two, while absent, have taught me what it truly means to miss another person. To crave their presence and mourn their absence. Remembering things that they used to say and do, in a situation where it would fit perfectly. And realizing that they're not there to make it happen. Losing sleep, time, wishes, all while trying to cope and survive, and put on that coat of "I'm great, how are you?" every day. I've also learned that it is possible to be happy and sad at the same time. Humans are emotional creatures. Emotional and complex creatures. Of course they can experience multiple feelings at once.
The ambivalence is, in a way , like swimming deep in the ocean where it's dark and you can't see much. Then every once in awhile, you swim a little higher without really noticing. And the sun breaks through the water and you look up and see the ripple of ocean and sky colliding peacefully. Like they haven't seen each other in nine years. You're happy. A cloud drifts by and settles in front of the sun. It takes you a moment to realize that you're still submerged in this water. Deep in the water, surrounded. In that ocean of melancholy and the struggle to make sense of things that are never supposed to make sense. So, it's on-going. A day by day thing, life is.
As it should be.
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