red light, green light

tonight, i was speaking with two adults. two adults that have generally supported me always, i told them about some things that i had recently discovered, things that have me biting at the bit to get in a car and flee to boston.
anyways, i told them these tidbits and they responded with a lovely story of someone they know going to boston, just like i want to, and being "outgoing" and "wanting to travel" and how he got there and by the second semester wanted to go back home.
for God's sake, if you're going to indirectly attempt to bring me down just grow a pair and do it bluntly. tell me. tell me i can't do this, i dare you.
funny how often, people that have allowed their dreams, desires, and plans, to fade and grow dusty in the back of their minds have a hard time handling it when they see others inches away from holding all they've set their hopes on.
kind of venting here,
it just really upset me, first i started to cry and then i realised all of their doubt is derived from all of their fear. that's where they're different from me, i don't have much fear to give me much doubt where they are stocked up with both. if there was a mirror nearby, i would've looked myself in the eye and said lex, you're going. you're going. alas, there was not so rather i repeated to myself most of the thoughts i've had in the last year or so.
God did not create the whole world so that we will stay in one place our whole lives.
boston will be good because it is where i belong.
God has placed this desire within me for a reason, he's led me to this hope.
don't. listen. to them.
maybe i'll want to go home, then i'll either go home or perhaps realise that boston is home.

this all may seem naive, biased, or piped,
or it may seem what it truly is,
driven.

holding up a boombox into the sky.

it's crazy how we all have birthdays. Every day of every year belongs to someone. they're really truly lovely, birthdays, and entire day for a one little person just to be able to celebrate their existence, I've been craving a birthday lately. sometimes when people hi about forty they start to deny their birthdays. They say that its no big thing, its just another day. No bad wrong. it is not just another day it is your birthday, the one day of all that marks when you breathed your first breathe and opened your eyes and began this life you've been given. it's a really special day to be taken so lightly. my teacher turned 36 yesterday and in class she was telling us all the good things about thirty six and how cool it is. thirty six, you are 18 times 2, you are 6 squared, you are 12 sets of 3, you are growing wise but not yet cold, you are dancing on age without losing your balance. there are good things about every age. Great things.
when someone turns a year, stories are told, a song is sung, cake is baked, gifts are given, but also it's kind of like taking a really big step. Or finally finishing a really long lap. going to sleep and knowing that when you wake up you'll be a whole new age is one of those feelings that deserve a whole big day. When I was little on my birthdays people would always ask me how it felt to be five or nine or thirteen. I always said the same, which is both melancholy and glorious. age isn't so powerful that it alters a whole person, it's a change without much of a ripple effect. You're the same you you have been just with a new number pinned to your being. perhaps that's why birthdays are often overlooked, people deem them as a simple number when really they are a beginning and an end. Like putting on new shoes then contiuing on the journey. Birthdays are really rather nice to have around.

of time, six weeks til the sun gets high.

when i was a little girl, my brother and i would spend hours outside trying to find this one berry bush. some times they were perfect. black and purple and lovely and thriving. ripe, ya know. they were ready and that's when they were best. but when they weren't ready, it was quite unpleasant. you never want to eat wild berries before they are ready. you might be ready, but they might not be. and ever though you are, if you just show them patience, in the end it will be better for the both of you. this applie to lots of things. peaches, for example. any fruit really, but peaches have my favor. the best peach is the one that is ripe and ready for you. they sit on the counter for days, taunting you with their color. their color leads you to believe that they are aboslutely ready, but biting into them you realise the opposite. think about love. chasing after love before it's ready to be found and enjoyed will only end with a tummy ache and a rotting love with a big bite taken out. or maybe thats peaches. close to the same. we are ready for so much, we are youth. we want everything in life to be right now. but lots of that everything is not ripe and ready to happen. wait. the word is agonizing, yes, but wait. loss only remains until love arrives. furthermore, peaches, like many things in life, grow to be ready in their own time. peaches are in control. they won't wait for you to eat them. when they are ripe, you take that peach and make the best of it. the same goes for love. when love is ready and around, you take that love. accept that it may not always be there, but love it deeply none the less. it's day will come, the peach the love eh ou whatayer you make of this. the day will come.

viva siempre.

i've always said that i want a john steinbeck lifestyle. people, just people a few really good people. and some coffee, with no regards to time. and we just live whenever we want, however we want.
something about today. the brick sidewalks, organic cigarettes, the Temptations, maybe the vanilla chai. or the people. all of the beautiful people that i have, by the grace of God, come to know. something about today made me realise that i have that life that i've always wanted.

for some reason i always imagined it would start someday. i'd be twenty something and my friends would be over and we would be painting and telling stories. then tonight, we were all clapping for the moon and something in me just opened and let all that life in. it's right now. the life i want, i have it. and i didn't even notice.

waking up to them, being dragged out of bed into a car, disoriented and loving it, riding to that same nowhere town with those real live people. hearing them play for the thousandth time and knowing in my soul "they're gonna be big." clapping for the moon, because why should we ever think that's uneccesary, bathroom carpet, singing radiohead in the car, catching sunspots in every picture, reading each other's writing, hearing each other's songs, sitting in each other's cars, never knowing what time it is, eating india bread, howling, opening the window for the hooligans, teaching valcott guitar, dancing with lonny in Room, and writing to the moonlight until the sun wakes up. i don't have to wait ten years, or until high school is over, or until i have a license, i don't have to wait for anything. i'm living now. i've been living now and very well all the time. we're all alive all the time.

life is so abundant. every single day is so full. everything people say, listen to them and listen to yourself. and please see that there is nothing in your way. maybe you have the life you've always wanted and you just don't even notice. notice.

this world is so full of truth. like one of those stone walls from back in the day. You're just standing there, toes touching the bottom, face to face with stones of gray. Big stones. old.

vienna waits for you.

Goverened or characterized by an abrupt change in feeling, opinion, or action, due to a whim or fancy.

a lot of the time I don't tell people things because i know they wouldn't understand them. i'm sparing them the contemplation it would take to make sense of things that aren't even really that important. not that most people would even care enough to contemplate what i don't tell them. that's another thing, sometimes I don't tell people things because I know that it would not matter as much to them as it does to me. and that would make me sad. it shouldn't really, though. just because i care about things doesn't mean everyone is going to. human nature. I really need to work on that human nature thing.
today i just felt like I wasn't seeing anything. besides people. i saw people pretending a lot. i even pretended a little.
but mostly i just felt like i do when i first wake up and my mind is still sleeping but my eyes are trying to get it to wake up. or that feeling when you open your eyes under water and you can only make out just enough to not die or break your nose.
it was a day of thought, around the same thing, for the most part.
many of my days are spent solely in thought.
not sure if that's for the better or for not the better.
todayye I thought a lot about that word capricious and how much it is wind. and how when it comes to the things and the people that really matter, i am so terribly capricious. because i love them so much. and i don't want to hurt them so much. capricious.
1. how
2. do
3. i
4. make
5. everyone
6. o
7. k?
Not that it is at all my job to make anyone anything. it would just be nice.
furthermore.
today was not bad nor terrific. it was okay. simply okay. i just wish that i could make sense of things that i see and know in my mind so that when i want to tell other people about them with my whole self, that they wouldn't get hurt or confused. that they would just be able to say, "Yes. I see what you mean" and that they really would see.
and also i wish that i knew what exactly it is that I want. and i wish i knew what i wanted when everything that i could possibly have wanted was right in front of me. and a part of me wishes to not be so capricious, but the rest of me knows that being capricious is a gloriously tragic, terribly free factor in being the wind.

Thought the world of you, wrapped around your finger.

One day, I woke up and life felt a little different. Some parts were missing, they were gone. People I love, they weren't there anymore. Places I love, they were no longer mine. But I'm okay. None of that killed me. Certain things became easier, but most became much more difficult. Among these, sleep, dreaming, and trust. In my whole life, I've only completely trusted one person. One human being ever. And they've drifted from my corner of the world. Which is fine. That happens. I've just further learned that depending on people and things and places rarely works out. I could be bitter about it and drone on about how no one can be trusted and how nothing lasts.

But instead I've come to realize that everyone we meet in life, we meet because we are supposed to. Meant to. They are going to say something or teach us something that we need to learn from them, or they from us. I learned a lot from that one person whom I trusted. How to breath, how to feel alive, the ways of people, and how to really show that you love someone. Most of all of the important thing I've ever learned were learned from that one person. And then gradually, they detattched themself from my life. For a reason, I'm sure. I just wish I knew the damn reason.

People, love, feelings, they come and go. I like to think that everything that goes will eventually come back. Just something comforting to tell yourself, due to being human and not being able to fully grasp those concepts of fate and destiny.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that lately, I've lost so much. Things that were promised to always be there aren't there anymore. The two people who taught me what love means, and how love should be, I don't have them anymore. However, I remain alive. The Wind. Siempre. Breathing, living, learning, slowly growing. It's that rich melancholy swallowing me when I least expect it. Carrying me away to those very back shelves of my mind with the dusty pictures frames and faded old letters.

Funny how even when people aren't really in your life anymore, they're still teaching you. These two, while absent, have taught me what it truly means to miss another person. To crave their presence and mourn their absence. Remembering things that they used to say and do, in a situation where it would fit perfectly. And realizing that they're not there to make it happen. Losing sleep, time, wishes, all while trying to cope and survive, and put on that coat of "I'm great, how are you?" every day. I've also learned that it is possible to be happy and sad at the same time. Humans are emotional creatures. Emotional and complex creatures. Of course they can experience multiple feelings at once.

The ambivalence is, in a way , like swimming deep in the ocean where it's dark and you can't see much. Then every once in awhile, you swim a little higher without really noticing. And the sun breaks through the water and you look up and see the ripple of ocean and sky colliding peacefully. Like they haven't seen each other in nine years. You're happy. A cloud drifts by and settles in front of the sun. It takes you a moment to realize that you're still submerged in this water. Deep in the water, surrounded. In that ocean of melancholy and the struggle to make sense of things that are never supposed to make sense. So, it's on-going. A day by day thing, life is.

As it should be.