all the gold that we could eat,

remember remember the fifth of november, the gunpowder treason and plot.
i remember everything about last 5th of november, mostly because all day i was saying REMEMBER REMEMBER THE FIFTH OF NOVEMBER. it worked i guess.

this fifth of novemeber was vastly different, and i was alone most of the day even when there were people all around me i was still kind of alone, been thinking a lot today how in one whole year i'm at the same coffee shop at the same time on the same day. different before and after events. different smells and sounds. different people standing with me. same red peacoat.
to day i realised that ive been living kind of in the past. not so much like fuck yeah man the eighties man, or um not like stuck back in Nam either, more so just allowing the past few months to linger a little too heavily within my heart soul and mind. there are so many rich memories so many words said and secrets kept, and its time to accept that despite their goodness and worth, they've run their course ya know. and there was this quote something about if we keep rereading one chapter of our life, we wont be able to start a new one. amen . hazah, so anywhoo i'm going to let go of some things. in fact i have, decided to a few hours ago. Feels good. i pray that someone else needs to do this too, and that they will see The freedom that comes with turning the page. and the Freedom in the freedom of being blessed with the Freedom to WRITE or create WHATEVER it is that you'd like that page to be.
how can we keep dancing with chained ankles and stained dresses? we can't. and we don't have to. Beautiful that we are often the only thing holding ourselves back, because all we have to do is to decide to stop doing that.

It's been comning up a lot lately that this world is not my home, but rather a place as temporary as the troubles and seasons that inhabit. however, it is beautiful, and i am growing to trust that all these people places and circumstances God has so craftily place before me are the right ones. i am where i should be.

so this fifth of november ive decided to embrace this a lone time, and by doing so of course my eyes were opened to the impossibility of true aloneness. i know too many names to ever be truly alone, loyal daniel not anna julie david and collin and other collin and me were sitting at shades of brown during this earthquake right and it was so cool because every one was quiet and together and we all just sat trying to understand. it faded, but the small ripples in my coffee cup revealed it wasn't ready to settle quiet yet. i love that. Maybe its just because they are so rare here, but really that little earthquake was BEAUTIFUL. you go, mother earth, kicking up trouble where its due. We all need to be shaken up a little. stirred, inspired, to wipe the fog from our vision and stomp on the ground to feel the sleepy blood race through our veins, to allow the moments resound be at home within our wobbly knees. Remind each of the living to check their mail and check their priorities and let them know that if they don't like where they are they should change it because they, are not, a tree.

remember remember the 5th of november. so as the words flow, my mind is hanging onto to a daydream i need to document, here i leave you.
p.s. getting home, the earthquake had knocked everything down and shattered off of my fireplace mantle, everything except the box of my beloved grandma's ashes. And the world tries to convince us the angles are a sham. no world, Your lack of heart to notice the angels is a sham. Sham shsam ahsamsam.

tonight was a golden jewel on the crowned glory of autumn.

landfill

is the liquor worth the pain

my lungs are empty now, ill use my hands to speak somehow

how tragic it is that the slam of letter keyboard keys will never suit harmonically with the dancing of the trees outside, and so this i write with quiet hands.

i'm realising that once we sign up to love, we sign up for life. real life, i mean. and half the time, MORE than that like 64 percent of time lately has felt almost unreal. not artificial. not. lacking. Just hard, i suppose to comprehend the vastness and effects of a single moment, a solitary decision, the timing of stop lights in correlation with whatever street and whatever song and how long Gwendlelyn feels like singing on a saturday night. i'm realising that all of those are interesting and thought provoking, but i don't have to think about them. It's not really my place as one human being to be so deeply concerned with the way things are. Beauty in that, for sure.
last night i was telling this to my friend daniel and he asked me if its bad or good and i said i wasnt sure, and then. daniel. asked me this,
he said okay, so even if this were all a dream, would you do anything differently? and i said i don't think so. IN dreams we say what we feel, we kick bad guys in the balls, we soar of sorts, Often at least from my dreaming experience, in dreams we are intrepid in a mystical way almost. why does that have to be only in dreams, ya know? i mean isnt life worthy of a little fearlessness? hm, are life and dreams even opposites?
beginning to believe that they are more just close friends.
life says, hey dreams, you look pretty tonight.
dreams says, life, man, i miss you lets get together soon.
Life says, yeah. lets.
perhaps thats what right now is.

-here comes that sun again

the lips of the Found

go through things that i need, make me hurt make me bleed, but i will rise and see the light pray my way through the night.

whatever could it be that has brought me to this loss

i could hold you in my arms, i could hold on forever

sometimes bombs fall quietly

find strength in pain.

this too shall pass.

be Still
and know.

Whatever could it Be

A band of vampires walk through a valley, in a parade of sorts. All looking diligently for a girl named emma. But they're not looking in the Trees or under rocks, they're looking straight ahead & behind their own shoulders and in their own coat pockets and up with all the clouds. at once the pitter patter, pat dat dah pitaah, pattah of all their dusty walking shoes fades & the only sound is a distant roar. Similar to that of an angry ocean tide let loose from its Cage of gravity. the vampires were surprised to see exactly that, as the roaring waters Grew closer. now all swallowed up by the Sea, the vampires silently allowed themselves to be tossed and taken. One vampire managed to stick his head out of the Water,, just long enough to express "mm salty," before the waves pushed him under again. after a few hours, the vampires fell asleep somehow in the vast bed of dancing ocean. They were beginning to forget about their search, it didn't seem likely that they would ever find Emma now. They didn't even know where in the world they were, or how long theyd been with the waves. a Certain upstanding vampire awoke with a sudden determination. His name was ace and he was a really take charge kind of guy. while all the other vampires were sleeping, ace began to build a ladder. He remembered their search& their purpose& was not going to let a little water clog his sense. he worked night and day on building that ladder until it was of Magnificent height, he climbed to the top, and breathless, stared down at the Waves water below. It was, absolutely, beautiful. as it tossed furiously with an effortless elegance, Ace could see the shadows of the dreaming vampires all below the surface. The wave seemed to notice Ace's high presence. he leaned down a little and said quite loudly "hellow down there!! What is your name?" .."Emma" the wave replied, & all was silent. Ace smiled shyly at having found the lost and, satisfied, down back into the water.

augustus

how beautiful you are, my darling. Focus. a focus. Each day is a long line of moments and a few stand out among the many. some are so fleeting but some grab us by the throat until we turn anew, some like to poke at another moment we’ve held dear. How glorious it is that we with our mere anchors for bodies can experience short bottles of time that lift us from where we are and turn on the lights. Ya know, when someone says that something and their eyes light up and you just deeply want to paint with the color of their voice. Because you know you could always dig that painting out of the attic and stare into the color and remember, even for a second, you can climb once again to the peak of that moment and rest upon it. You can sit at the top and see for miles the feelings, smells, befores and afters of right then.

It is those moments and those people that bring us neck deep into the ocean of abundant appreciation. if you recognize the blessings you have, you’re drowning. In goodness. and the richest love known and unknown.

Ever look at someone and just feel like they alone are the entire world? ever hold a hand and long to always have it there. Good. glad for you. never met a person in my life that in my life that i can say I have felt honest hate for. because in everyone there lies some good somewhere. It may very well be a minuscule particle of good dust that they accidentally breathed in at a birthday party or something, but its there within them. As it is also in every situation.

may who has been be revived again, may the woods swallow up the shivering wind. May the hour behind bring peace to your mind, and may that light in your eye cease to die.

osaka sun

Simple life sounds so desirable, but i don't think its really so intended. the love of Jesus within me is not at all simple. It is depth, it is vast,and It will take eternity to know its Every meausure. The dreams and passions within me are not simple.they are big, colorFul, overflowing. Simple seems to be one of those things that only exists outside of a person. what about a human being is simple? not the way all our organs work ideally together, not the way we each are capable of unique, inidiviudal though. not the purpose we were designed for. certainly simple just isn't so Itself.