Harvest

sometimes i treat god like a dusty overdue library book. yeah what a great read, i feel better now, i'll put it away since i'm done and deal with that later.find it in the closet, look over it some more, and then become thoroughly distracted by life and things.
sometimes i treat God like santa claus on christmas eve. 'God, i am going to sleep now, please when i wake up make everything i want be the way i want it to be and maybe with snow thanks.'
wake up, stand up, brush up, grow up. born and off to the races.
this is a fragile age and often a fear stirs in me that perhaps i will be just awful at being 18 or 25 or 50 or older, and that here and now it as good as it will ever get, but haven't we all thought that before?
and looking back, can we travel to peace by the understanding that everything that has been has led to what is now and everything about today is going to lead to an abundance of somedays and that Cannot embitter us because we have no reason to believe that those somedays hold anything but glory.

peace drops like a bomb every once again, just going about my business and then this remarkably powerful thing falls from nowhere and everything is different because of it.



thinking of storing this golden autumn air in some jars. we are breathing time capsules.

nonfat no whip triple grande hot cold lip burning newspaper folds, youve gotta find prospects, make cuts, make war

we are a nation of cufflinks and newsprint.
we love when our husbands lose weight.
we complain about the weather because it's the only thing
we can't vote on.
how can i be honest without tossing rocks at lady liberty

when children get taller, they dress in grown up clothes and stomp around in big shoes to make something of themselves because all of a sudden they have to make the world work.

we hide grey hair.
we look down upon youth because ignorance is bliss
is bliss
is bliss
is bliss.
our storybooks are called the evening news where the princes trip on stones and the kingdom catches fire and we clap and sing because we never ever knew that we would be here.

i used to think my mother was born as a grown up and that kids stayed kids and grown ups stayed grown ups and olds stayed olds.
if only.
but there is something beautiful about every harvest of a generation inevitably rises from their desks and shimmies out of their graduation gowns and stops putting sugar in their coffee because we all want to make changes
we all want better and more for ourselves and each other and there is no flaw in that
but i still fancy the notion of skipping all this nonsense
and joining the circus

Be in my Eyes be In my Heart

dizzy because life is just so much. two years ago my hair was about six inches shorter and my life was about as many millions of degrees different as a life can be. from this i choose to not settle in sorrow, but to have hope. because in only two years absolutely everything has been turned every way for every reason and through pain and change there has been monumental growth and becoming.
today i am learning fidelity and abandon.
tomorrow i will learn.
every day
every second i will learn.
what will be your story now?

i will tell you something almost every day i decide to go to bed early tonight. seclude myself, away from films and friends and fields and just go to sleep because to wake up you have to sleep first. it never happens.  it never happens. it takes hours to get around to falling asleep because there is always so much else that demands attention and time, but i think that it will be a good idea to decide to have free time. jesus doesn't say come to me and i will give you a to do list, he says come to me and i will give you Rest.
advice from a tree suggests letting your roots grow down deep, and i suggest not over thinking the whole roots situation because we all have them every thing has them but much of their strength comes from the sheer fact that they are hidden they are deep within soil and foundation that it would take destruction and effort to see or destroy them.
i pray that we can all stop living
with this constant mindset of need and desperation
and realise
that we are loved and breathing and everything
is going to be alright.

i apologize insincerely if my words are repetitive. motifs of the heart.

beautiful that us in our ingenious youth know the entire world and everything that will ever happen front forwards and back but we dont even know what the morning will bring. plan to make a plan to make a plan to make something of yourself. But darling, you are Already something. You are so much something, and you are some one's Someone, SOmeday some how some where some way, you will see and understand why all this why because to soon to delay to only stay, just stay ,
i say.

The Ruffian

whether i am kissing the lips of a boy or the rim of a coffee cup i want it to be honestly and out of love.

Circa Aug. 25

it is never fair
to love a gypsy.
And this room sings into the quiet of my mind
finally.
i'm trusting.
some Change is an 'accident;.
some change comes in the mail or
via phone.
other change is chosen.
And in this second I am
choosing

to change my eyes
towards the changes.
it is here so I will have It.
here is this n[e][o]w.
air, feeling, face, season, reason,
drenched in divine Jesus ink.
covered in his fingerprints
faithful

Martha

sometimes you wake up and you don't know where you are. in the night a shabby gypsy train came to your window and stole you and shipped you across the Ocean to california. the Long way. and everything looks so familiar but feels so foreign, that you cannot seem to determine whether it is your body, or your heart- that has shifted.
one may call it a soul vacation, to live and change and not understand completely where you have been but to know that today, for whatever reason, has healed you somewhere somehow. even if just for a moment and even if just a little.

how extraordinary and how grateful i am for the hearts in us that have the capacity to notice the absence of places feelings things and people. to miss and to long for, to have those abilities is a miracle, i feel.
but then again i feel too much.

when your lungs fill with concern and all of the watches are broken, we are brought to that familiar peculiar fragility of life once again. should we pray to be enchanted? should we pray for something so heart shatteringly fleeting? now, is that righteous?
i don't believe that we will ever read enough books or take enough pictures. we will never be done listening and not listening to the wisdom of our mothers. never will we forget some things that we should never have had to remember and at once we will never remember as much as we desire to.
in effort to be and know grace, we must realise that our striving is brought to a screeching halt in it's presence. as mercy pours into our lives, these aches we cling to- the ones of knowing the expectations that we will always never meet- they are swallowed in the sea of salvation.
and at once, she with the violet name,
locks eyes with the S(u)[o]n
and every bruise is laid bare to burning
a discomfort which must be endured
because discipline is so deeply derived from a love
so deeply designed.
and she stands healed and whole.
 and it is time to leave the desert.

Go, live well,
live blessed.

peaches

i want to challenge myself as a person, break habits and build skills. do things on purpose with intention, even if the reason is just because. quiet the thoughts within that have been begging me to focus on all my weaknesses, physically, spiritually, mentally, creatively. Jesus did not create us fearfully and wonderfully so that we can sit around fearful and worrying.
be joyful always.
but what a challenge that is, almost more so when everyone expects it of you. i pray for my roots to be established in love but truly i'm not so sure what that even means. and every human gets sick with feelings, they drive us and we let them.
i want to
sit and stare at trees until
i understand anything.
and seek solitude with my creator
until i trust that some things
are not for me to understand.
satan attacks our self image and our daily concerns because he does not want us to See the beauty and detail with which God has so divinely designed us. the enemy desires our attention to be absolutely anywhere but after the heart of jesus. God promises to provide and seek us, and is constantly doing so but we are often distracted from his faithfulness when Small fragments of worry shattering pieces of our peaces.
don't let circumstances hinder your joy.
our hearts are created with eternal intentions, kingdom bound. this is what makes it so difficult to understand why and how to handle things ending and changing.

i understand that if anyone who reads these words does not know Jesus personally, that everything here will be absolutely meaningless and unresolved.
that's been on my heart as well, because i struggle with doubt more than anything else spiritually.
but i am always always brought back to that place on broken humble knees
with a bare heart and open eyes and i just remember and realise
that nothing is worth it without jesus.