viva siempre.

i've always said that i want a john steinbeck lifestyle. people, just people a few really good people. and some coffee, with no regards to time. and we just live whenever we want, however we want.
something about today. the brick sidewalks, organic cigarettes, the Temptations, maybe the vanilla chai. or the people. all of the beautiful people that i have, by the grace of God, come to know. something about today made me realise that i have that life that i've always wanted.

for some reason i always imagined it would start someday. i'd be twenty something and my friends would be over and we would be painting and telling stories. then tonight, we were all clapping for the moon and something in me just opened and let all that life in. it's right now. the life i want, i have it. and i didn't even notice.

waking up to them, being dragged out of bed into a car, disoriented and loving it, riding to that same nowhere town with those real live people. hearing them play for the thousandth time and knowing in my soul "they're gonna be big." clapping for the moon, because why should we ever think that's uneccesary, bathroom carpet, singing radiohead in the car, catching sunspots in every picture, reading each other's writing, hearing each other's songs, sitting in each other's cars, never knowing what time it is, eating india bread, howling, opening the window for the hooligans, teaching valcott guitar, dancing with lonny in Room, and writing to the moonlight until the sun wakes up. i don't have to wait ten years, or until high school is over, or until i have a license, i don't have to wait for anything. i'm living now. i've been living now and very well all the time. we're all alive all the time.

life is so abundant. every single day is so full. everything people say, listen to them and listen to yourself. and please see that there is nothing in your way. maybe you have the life you've always wanted and you just don't even notice. notice.

this world is so full of truth. like one of those stone walls from back in the day. You're just standing there, toes touching the bottom, face to face with stones of gray. Big stones. old.

vienna waits for you.

Goverened or characterized by an abrupt change in feeling, opinion, or action, due to a whim or fancy.

a lot of the time I don't tell people things because i know they wouldn't understand them. i'm sparing them the contemplation it would take to make sense of things that aren't even really that important. not that most people would even care enough to contemplate what i don't tell them. that's another thing, sometimes I don't tell people things because I know that it would not matter as much to them as it does to me. and that would make me sad. it shouldn't really, though. just because i care about things doesn't mean everyone is going to. human nature. I really need to work on that human nature thing.
today i just felt like I wasn't seeing anything. besides people. i saw people pretending a lot. i even pretended a little.
but mostly i just felt like i do when i first wake up and my mind is still sleeping but my eyes are trying to get it to wake up. or that feeling when you open your eyes under water and you can only make out just enough to not die or break your nose.
it was a day of thought, around the same thing, for the most part.
many of my days are spent solely in thought.
not sure if that's for the better or for not the better.
todayye I thought a lot about that word capricious and how much it is wind. and how when it comes to the things and the people that really matter, i am so terribly capricious. because i love them so much. and i don't want to hurt them so much. capricious.
1. how
2. do
3. i
4. make
5. everyone
6. o
7. k?
Not that it is at all my job to make anyone anything. it would just be nice.
furthermore.
today was not bad nor terrific. it was okay. simply okay. i just wish that i could make sense of things that i see and know in my mind so that when i want to tell other people about them with my whole self, that they wouldn't get hurt or confused. that they would just be able to say, "Yes. I see what you mean" and that they really would see.
and also i wish that i knew what exactly it is that I want. and i wish i knew what i wanted when everything that i could possibly have wanted was right in front of me. and a part of me wishes to not be so capricious, but the rest of me knows that being capricious is a gloriously tragic, terribly free factor in being the wind.

Thought the world of you, wrapped around your finger.

One day, I woke up and life felt a little different. Some parts were missing, they were gone. People I love, they weren't there anymore. Places I love, they were no longer mine. But I'm okay. None of that killed me. Certain things became easier, but most became much more difficult. Among these, sleep, dreaming, and trust. In my whole life, I've only completely trusted one person. One human being ever. And they've drifted from my corner of the world. Which is fine. That happens. I've just further learned that depending on people and things and places rarely works out. I could be bitter about it and drone on about how no one can be trusted and how nothing lasts.

But instead I've come to realize that everyone we meet in life, we meet because we are supposed to. Meant to. They are going to say something or teach us something that we need to learn from them, or they from us. I learned a lot from that one person whom I trusted. How to breath, how to feel alive, the ways of people, and how to really show that you love someone. Most of all of the important thing I've ever learned were learned from that one person. And then gradually, they detattched themself from my life. For a reason, I'm sure. I just wish I knew the damn reason.

People, love, feelings, they come and go. I like to think that everything that goes will eventually come back. Just something comforting to tell yourself, due to being human and not being able to fully grasp those concepts of fate and destiny.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that lately, I've lost so much. Things that were promised to always be there aren't there anymore. The two people who taught me what love means, and how love should be, I don't have them anymore. However, I remain alive. The Wind. Siempre. Breathing, living, learning, slowly growing. It's that rich melancholy swallowing me when I least expect it. Carrying me away to those very back shelves of my mind with the dusty pictures frames and faded old letters.

Funny how even when people aren't really in your life anymore, they're still teaching you. These two, while absent, have taught me what it truly means to miss another person. To crave their presence and mourn their absence. Remembering things that they used to say and do, in a situation where it would fit perfectly. And realizing that they're not there to make it happen. Losing sleep, time, wishes, all while trying to cope and survive, and put on that coat of "I'm great, how are you?" every day. I've also learned that it is possible to be happy and sad at the same time. Humans are emotional creatures. Emotional and complex creatures. Of course they can experience multiple feelings at once.

The ambivalence is, in a way , like swimming deep in the ocean where it's dark and you can't see much. Then every once in awhile, you swim a little higher without really noticing. And the sun breaks through the water and you look up and see the ripple of ocean and sky colliding peacefully. Like they haven't seen each other in nine years. You're happy. A cloud drifts by and settles in front of the sun. It takes you a moment to realize that you're still submerged in this water. Deep in the water, surrounded. In that ocean of melancholy and the struggle to make sense of things that are never supposed to make sense. So, it's on-going. A day by day thing, life is.

As it should be.

the days with you tend to carry a tune

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about people. How many I know, how many I don't know, how many I kind of know, how many I don't know exist, how many I will know. And how they're all different. And how every single person I know has allowed me a small role in their story. How comforting it is that these people I know have let me in to see how they work and who they are. How lovely it is that they've chosen to let me share in their moments, and memories, and decisions. Me, just another plain old human being. Them, just extraordinary creations that appear, from the outside, as just plain old human beings. I'm just so blessed, so grateful, for them all. If I know them, if I have known them, if I will know them. Anyone. They're all so beautifully complex, and bit by bit, day by day, I learn more about one of them here and there. They never really get old, people I mean. You never run out of people to meet or things to know about them. The curiousity sector of my life is thriving of depth and inspiration thanks to a certain handful of these lovely beings. Most of whom I've just met in the last year.
It's mind-blowing that all of these people's paths were meant to cross mine. God knows why I know them. It's a mystery to me, but truly don't mind at all.

You've all taught me everything I know about loving, breathing, driving, priorities, algebra 2, music, and which coffee shops have the best chai. Everything.

Thank you.

Eighteen and under.

Generation, I'd like to first tell you that I love you. We are all brothers and sisters. Saved, forgiven, and beloved.

Lord, we'd like to first tell you that we are hungry. Jesus, we're starving. For you, God. You are what we need. You are what we cannot go one day without.

Jesus,we'd like to ask you to let us be the generation to bring your peace within our hearts out into the world. Let us be the generation to not start a war. Let our generation, this generation, be humble enough to submit to your guidance completely, and to begin fixing the silly problems of this world. Lord, allow us to reflect you. Guide us in your ways, Father, so that we may guide each other.

Generation, think. Think of that day when we are all new bodies, righteous souls, pure hearts, and with our Jesus. With God. You and me and everyone we know all sitting around a table with the God of the universe. What will we say to each other? What will matter then? Generation, we will give Him something to be proud of. While we are on this earth, we will not be consumed of it. Generation, we will strive for His glory, until the day we receive our wings.

wearing thin

My home isn't mine anymore and my wonderwall is breaking and I'm walking blindly through darkness and I want to cry but it doesn't work anymore. There's nothing left.