Thought the world of you, wrapped around your finger.

One day, I woke up and life felt a little different. Some parts were missing, they were gone. People I love, they weren't there anymore. Places I love, they were no longer mine. But I'm okay. None of that killed me. Certain things became easier, but most became much more difficult. Among these, sleep, dreaming, and trust. In my whole life, I've only completely trusted one person. One human being ever. And they've drifted from my corner of the world. Which is fine. That happens. I've just further learned that depending on people and things and places rarely works out. I could be bitter about it and drone on about how no one can be trusted and how nothing lasts.

But instead I've come to realize that everyone we meet in life, we meet because we are supposed to. Meant to. They are going to say something or teach us something that we need to learn from them, or they from us. I learned a lot from that one person whom I trusted. How to breath, how to feel alive, the ways of people, and how to really show that you love someone. Most of all of the important thing I've ever learned were learned from that one person. And then gradually, they detattched themself from my life. For a reason, I'm sure. I just wish I knew the damn reason.

People, love, feelings, they come and go. I like to think that everything that goes will eventually come back. Just something comforting to tell yourself, due to being human and not being able to fully grasp those concepts of fate and destiny.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that lately, I've lost so much. Things that were promised to always be there aren't there anymore. The two people who taught me what love means, and how love should be, I don't have them anymore. However, I remain alive. The Wind. Siempre. Breathing, living, learning, slowly growing. It's that rich melancholy swallowing me when I least expect it. Carrying me away to those very back shelves of my mind with the dusty pictures frames and faded old letters.

Funny how even when people aren't really in your life anymore, they're still teaching you. These two, while absent, have taught me what it truly means to miss another person. To crave their presence and mourn their absence. Remembering things that they used to say and do, in a situation where it would fit perfectly. And realizing that they're not there to make it happen. Losing sleep, time, wishes, all while trying to cope and survive, and put on that coat of "I'm great, how are you?" every day. I've also learned that it is possible to be happy and sad at the same time. Humans are emotional creatures. Emotional and complex creatures. Of course they can experience multiple feelings at once.

The ambivalence is, in a way , like swimming deep in the ocean where it's dark and you can't see much. Then every once in awhile, you swim a little higher without really noticing. And the sun breaks through the water and you look up and see the ripple of ocean and sky colliding peacefully. Like they haven't seen each other in nine years. You're happy. A cloud drifts by and settles in front of the sun. It takes you a moment to realize that you're still submerged in this water. Deep in the water, surrounded. In that ocean of melancholy and the struggle to make sense of things that are never supposed to make sense. So, it's on-going. A day by day thing, life is.

As it should be.

the days with you tend to carry a tune

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about people. How many I know, how many I don't know, how many I kind of know, how many I don't know exist, how many I will know. And how they're all different. And how every single person I know has allowed me a small role in their story. How comforting it is that these people I know have let me in to see how they work and who they are. How lovely it is that they've chosen to let me share in their moments, and memories, and decisions. Me, just another plain old human being. Them, just extraordinary creations that appear, from the outside, as just plain old human beings. I'm just so blessed, so grateful, for them all. If I know them, if I have known them, if I will know them. Anyone. They're all so beautifully complex, and bit by bit, day by day, I learn more about one of them here and there. They never really get old, people I mean. You never run out of people to meet or things to know about them. The curiousity sector of my life is thriving of depth and inspiration thanks to a certain handful of these lovely beings. Most of whom I've just met in the last year.
It's mind-blowing that all of these people's paths were meant to cross mine. God knows why I know them. It's a mystery to me, but truly don't mind at all.

You've all taught me everything I know about loving, breathing, driving, priorities, algebra 2, music, and which coffee shops have the best chai. Everything.

Thank you.

Eighteen and under.

Generation, I'd like to first tell you that I love you. We are all brothers and sisters. Saved, forgiven, and beloved.

Lord, we'd like to first tell you that we are hungry. Jesus, we're starving. For you, God. You are what we need. You are what we cannot go one day without.

Jesus,we'd like to ask you to let us be the generation to bring your peace within our hearts out into the world. Let us be the generation to not start a war. Let our generation, this generation, be humble enough to submit to your guidance completely, and to begin fixing the silly problems of this world. Lord, allow us to reflect you. Guide us in your ways, Father, so that we may guide each other.

Generation, think. Think of that day when we are all new bodies, righteous souls, pure hearts, and with our Jesus. With God. You and me and everyone we know all sitting around a table with the God of the universe. What will we say to each other? What will matter then? Generation, we will give Him something to be proud of. While we are on this earth, we will not be consumed of it. Generation, we will strive for His glory, until the day we receive our wings.

wearing thin

My home isn't mine anymore and my wonderwall is breaking and I'm walking blindly through darkness and I want to cry but it doesn't work anymore. There's nothing left.

Splendored.

The other night, in my blanket fort, I was reading the book of Psalms.
Out of nowhere, I realized why I'm here.
Why we all exist.

As a daughter of Christ, it is my duty to love people. To show love, speak love, express love for other people. Even if some of us don't believe it, we're all children of God. What father likes to see his kids fight and argue and persecute and hurt each other? What king enjoys watching his people destroy each other and tear each other apart?
By loving others we are loving Him.
It's simple.
Love each other.
Buy someone coffee when they only have two dollars on them. Let your friend borrow your red lipstick when she feels worthless. Carry ibuprofen, and don't be stingy with your t-shirts.
Just love people.
When I think of all the people I love, I see a messy, dishevled, long list of names.
Some of these people have always been there and reciprocated the love.
Some of them have broken my heart.
Some of them hate me.
Love the people that hate you.
It's really all you can do for them.
So often, someone comes to mind and they're literally full of hate. Stitched together with lies and overflowing with zeal to hurt other people.
Love them.
They're the ones that need it the most.
Love your mom, love your neighbor, love your sunday school teacher, love the creepy kid in your french class, love your lunch ladies, love your grandma, love your best friend's little brother, love yourself.
What better way is there to pass our time here on earth, than to simply love each other?

puddle-jumping

"I'm sorry."
My absolute least favourite combination of words of all time.
What the hell does that even mean?
The phrase is so overused and so abused, that it's value has become literally meaningless.
"I'm sorry." is what people say when they don't remotely care about your situation.
And "I'm sorry." is what people say when everything that's happened has left them utterly heartbroken and they want more than anything to be able to turn back time and make things better.
The thing about "I'm sorry." is half the time, people don't even mean it. They say "I'm sorry." when they weren't really listening at all but they could tell by your tone that you're sad so they think they're supposed to sympathize. No, people. No. That is not how it works. "I'm sorry." should be the most sincere thing we ever tell each other.

Someone answer this: When will we all begin to mean what say?

For you I will.

You knew I was sad. I'm not usually sad, but I was then, and you knew that. My grandma died. And my boyfriend didn't love me. And academics were gray. I came to you. You told me to lose my mind. To go crazy. Because, you said, I needed to. "Lose your mind. I'll help you find it again when you're ready." So I did. I didn't even realize that I did. It was a gradual thing, you know. Then one day I was officially a mess. I came to you. You told me what you know about me. I remember. Funny how best friends know me better than I know myself. Which is exactly how it should be. "Love you, Lex. Go be you."
Okay.
For you I will.